I was hoping for a much happier, up beat and grateful first blog post…but unfortunately that’s not the state I am in today.
Today I am frustrated. Sad. Angry. Exhausted.
All this is due to this physical form that I am in that continually gives me problems and more pain than anyone should have to endure.
I treat my body very well. I try my hardest to unconditionally love my body. I try my hardest to work through my emotional crap and karma so that my body doesn’t have to take the brunt of it…but it never seems to be enough.
For the past two days I have been completely bed ridden because my uterus feels as though it has more destructive energy than an atomic bomb. My pelvis feels as though it is full of molten lava. This is an issue that has been going on almost every month for a year and a half.
I have had ultrasounds…inflammation blood tests….exams…tried darn near every herb and supplement out there…taken pain pills…and still have never found any relief or reason for my pain.
This period has been the worst one in quite a while…if not the worst ever. This could perhaps be due to the fact that I recently started on Progesterone, because due to the results of the Adrenal Stress Index test I just took (that will probably be another blog at another point!) my body produces very little progesterone-the hormone that is responsible for female cycles and ovulation. This does make sense considering I do have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.
But for the record…this is not just pain. This is all encompassing and debilitating torment and misery that renders me complete incapable of taking care of myself, standing up right, doing anything but lying down, and sometimes barely able to breathe. I truly feel like I am giving birth and having contractions and labor pains. Last night I had to scream through the pain. Though once it finally ceases to enslave my cells, I have nothing but a weak body that feels like it has been beat up and run over by a truck.
This morning I totally lost it. My phone was dying. I had to miss Portland Pride this weekend, including the parade. I woke up still in pain and alone, unable to care for myself. I try my hardest to not have self pity or to dwell on the negative, but god damn, after 24 hours or sheer exhaustion from writhing in pain I felt that breaking down into tears was my my only option.
I cried for over an hour. I cried from utter frustration. Why me?! Why must I constantly struggle with a body that I do my best to honor as sacred?! Why can’t I take care of myself?! Why must everything cost so damn much to fix?! Why can’t I just be able to take the serious time off that I need to recover and truly address my physical concerns?! Why is it so unfair?! Why doesn’t anything help me?! Why?! Why?!?!?! WHY?!
My head and body are still sore from crying. Crying and sobbing hurt my abdomen but I had no choice. Jen, my partner, came home from work and I cried some more. The more I talk about this the more, even though I feel too exhausted to shed another tear, the more the tears begin to well up.
I feel completely helpless.
I am a firm believer in physical ailments being simply a metaphor for an emotional or spiritual issue. I have known this to be true and have even been told that this is the case for myself. However I truly feel that I have done such hard deep work….and gone to the very core of these issues….but after a certain point I find it hard to imagine that this is because something I have not yet worked through.
I will say that there are lessons to be learned through all this pain. It makes me lay down and stop whatever I am doing…which I truly have a hard time doing. Up until recently, until my adrenals gave me no other choice, I lived a far too fast paced life, taking on far more than any one mortal could. So my body makes me slow down. However…I think I could certainly learn this lesson without the debilitating pain…though maybe not. Also, last night when I was having what I imagine to be similar if not worse than labor contractions, all I kept thinking was “What am I giving Birth to?” I do not have an answer for this. This is something that I know I will have to really look at and investigate.
But I must admit that it is very frustrating to keep hearing that I just need to keep working through my issues….loving myself more…accepting my fertility and femininity…because I am doing the best that my soul can do. I have seriously shifted my perceptions on menstruation and plan on doing a lot of academic work on the subject…so I am doing my part.
On the other hand I am also very frustrated with being told I need to turn to allopathic medicine…be loaded on pain pills….make my body feel more toxic than it already is…cut things out…etc. I don’t feel that this is an option for me. Western medicine has a time a place…but my past experience tells me that it will only further irritate and aggravate my very sensitive body.
So needless to say…I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling helpless. And darn near hopeless.
I’m going to try to get back into my new Naturopath tomorrow…and really try and figure out some kind of game plan because I cannot…physically cannot go through another month of this. I truly feel right now that if I have to go through another bought of horrid pain that I will go into shock or into a coma.
But after these two days of being bed ridden…I feel a little lost. I feel totally unlike myself.
So here’s to recovery…to self re-discovery…and to a brighter pain free future.
Thanks for reading. I truly hope no one reading this. or anyone for that matter will ever have to endure this misery.
Aho Mitakyue Oyasin. (All my relations)
Fertile Ground 